<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>ambition written in sighs by omusubi</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26547397">ambition written in sighs</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/omusubi/pseuds/omusubi'>omusubi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Inarizaki!Hinata, M/M, ch 279 and 381 spoilers, kind of an Ambitious!Atsumu Character Study, slight mention of injury</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:48:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,667</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26547397</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/omusubi/pseuds/omusubi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Miya Atsumu never puts out the fire pumping through his blood, needing release; nor he attempts to set it anywhere. It's just there – he lets it be. He only goes out of his way when he's inside the gymnasium. </p>
<p>Until he catches Hinata Shouyou, a newcomer at Inarizaki High, flowing around with a lie.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <i>or: how ambition, even in its most humbling form, has never been pretty.</i>
    <br/>
  </p>
</blockquote>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>199</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>AtsuHina Exchange</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>ambition written in sighs</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello~! i kinda racked my brain with its last existing three brain cells for this. i've enjoyed writing your gift based on the awesome prompts you gave. i chose the one with the library + canon divergence (though i kinda went rogue with Inarizaki!Hinata)</p>
<p>and from the deepest of my soul, i hope i gave this justice. truly wish you’ll like this as much as i loved writing it! stay safe!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p><em>Perhaps each sigh </em> <em>is drawn into existence</em></p>
<p><em> to pull in, pull under, who knows; </em> <em>truth be told,</em></p>
<p>
  <em> you could no more control those sighs</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> than that which brings the sighs about. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>- excerpt from Citizen IV by Claudia Rankine</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ambition, even in its most humbling form, has never been pretty.</p>
<p>To be ambitious, in a mundane sense, it means denying yourself the comfort of stillness. Be bold, blinding, and vindicating. Like digging a hole with bare hands, not sure what to bury. With a mirage of all your empty, self-destructive desires, you can’t help but set yourself up for disaster. You court it, you sing for it, you find yourself into nosedive. One day, it makes you think that maybe, just maybe, burning is the only way. </p>
<p>With its creation and demise, the Library of Alexandria is a concept of staggering ambition and hope. General consensus says it mistakenly caught on fire. A collateral damage to a war. Or maybe budget cuts. No one can say for sure. </p>
<p>But all of the knowledge collected by man being held in one place – how complex can that be?</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p>Atsumu is nine when he comes across its complexity. Staring at the ambition black, he keeps asking himself, <em> What’s even an ambition? </em></p>
<p>“To be undefeated,” is all his ink on paper assumes. </p>
<p>His own answer feels like a familiar sting of an accident starting to bruise. But it helps Atsumu breathe better. Breathes freely even when confusion ensues inside the room as he speaks of it. The teacher nods, a proud yet hesitant look on her face. </p>
<p>It also earns him another look from his twin brother, Osamu. A look Atsumu doesn’t understand. Yet.</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p>Atsumu is ten when he first steps inside a gym. A former Japan national setter sets up a junior volleyball workshop and the Miya twins join. Nothing special about it. It’s fun and they have the extra time to kill. </p>
<p>Until Atsumu realizes ‘nice kill’ doesn’t come easy at all. Almost everything stems from the player that allows spikers to shine brighter–the setter.</p>
<p>“Setters are so cool!” Atsumu whisper-shouts, his gaze fixes ahead.</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p>Atsumu is twelve when he finally learns patience is made of pain and rigor. When Osamu gets chosen to start as the setter, that definitely doesn’t set Atsumu’s mind at ease. Osamu deserves it, he plays better. </p>
<p>Osamu makes breathing underwater look like child’s play; Atsumu has to gulp air at the water surface. He takes effort, one that’s more human. Exertion of endless and restless actions. Until more, more, and <em> more </em>just don’t look enough anymore.</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p>Atsumu is still twelve when his worldview changes. When life throws volleyball at him, it doesn’t take a second to realize no one wins a game if you're born to play it. Atsumu’s fiery passion grows more. Hands with inextinguishable hunger; Atsumu still never catches fire out of his own volition. </p>
<p>“‘Tsumu, everyone hates you,” Osamu tells Atsumu, his mouth full of food. He even puts emphasis on <em> everyone </em> which meant every single person in the Yako Junior High Volleyball Team.</p>
<p>Not even blinking, Atsumu returns, “...So?”</p>
<p>Osamu stares at Atsumu vacantly once again, just like the first time when they’re both nine. With his icy, hooded eyes, no one could decipher what’s behind them. Osamu has perfected the art of making you feel like you are taking a wrong turn and that wrong way goes on forever. </p>
<p>But Atsumu thinks if he even took a wrong turn, he’s willing to see it through.</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p>Atsumu and Osamu are almost fourteen as the moon peeks through the clouds, signalling it’s hours before their birthday. They peek at their gifts inside the paper bags: new game controllers and a video game called Winning Eleven. </p>
<p>There are also two other boxes beside them wrapped more intricately. A small silver-colored one and the other bigger and in gold. These gifts mean one thing and another–the twins are same and equal, yet also have their own individuality.</p>
<p>Osamu asks Atsumu if he can keep a secret. If yes, they could play the game earlier before their parents wake up. Atsumu, taking that as a challenge, sets the game up. </p>
<p>And it’s ten minutes to midnight when Atsumu finally asks his twin brother what his vacant look means. That time when they’re nine and another when they’re twelve.</p>
<p>Osamu swivels to Atsumu. “We’re nothin’ alike, ‘Tsumu.”</p>
<p>“What d’ya mean? Hav' ya tried lookin' again in a mirror?”</p>
<p>A sigh. “I ain’t tellin’ til you tell Ma we’re gettin’ our hair colored.”</p>
<p>With eyes pop open in shock, it’s Atsumu’s turn to stare now. “Why me?”</p>
<p>Their entire living room feels so quiet; <em> “He gives away possession!” </em>the commentator on the video game shouts, taking both of the twins’ attention. Yet Atsumu still hears when Osamu murmurs, “Ambition is fer the brave.”</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p>At sixteen, Atsumu sets a high standard on anything his hands can reach. Egotistic, jerk, perfectionist, and other words have already been used to describe him. He confronts all the ugliness and disturbances in the world. As his skills get labelled as top-notched, his drudgery begins to look a little too <em> ambitious</em>.</p>
<p>"Scrubs who suck so bad they couldn't score with my settin’ today don't get a place on this team. Pack up your uniform and give yer position someone else. <em> Scrub</em>,” Atsumu grumbles somewhere in the distance. With a voice a little too loud for everyone’s taste.</p>
<p>Out of nowhere, Osamu moves quickly and kicks Atsumu while shouting, “Shut up! Ya big-mouthed, tyrannical, snob-face jerk-wad!"</p>
<p>No one stops them, no one even attempts to push the twins away. Suna is busy capturing the brawl on his phone; Aran is trying to find Ginjima to ask for help in stopping the fight; Akagi and Oomimi are deliberately averting gazes; and Ginjima is hiding from Aran behind the bleachers, watching the fight. The other members are just half-enjoying, half-waiting for their captain Kita to come back from the staff room.</p>
<p>Aran immediately realizes his fault in waiting when an orange-haired boy rushes forward to the twins. Trying to put a stop to the twins’ scuffle. Bad idea. Getting in between a sibling fight? No one gets out unscathed. </p>
<p>Osamu deflects when he notices the boy, but Atsumu obviously doesn’t. He still tries to grab Osamu. </p>
<p>Everyone who sees, unfortunately, knows the tragedy of what’s going to happen next.</p>
<p>The boy rears back, falling backward to the ground. The gym falls silent as he lets out an agonized cry of pain. </p>
<p>Others instantly fly into motion and try to help him. Even Osamu bends down, entirely forgetting what just happened with his brother.</p>
<p>“Hey, are ya fine? What’s yer name?” Atsumu hears someone asking.</p>
<p>“...I’m fine. I’m Hinata… Hinata Shouyou,” the orange-haired boy answers weakly.</p>
<p>“Ah!” Suna yells, still focused on his phone. “Shouyou… Hinata Shouyou. I think that’s the name of Kita-san’s cousin. Am I wrong?”</p>
<p>“Bah! Yer right,” Aran butts in, “Kita told us his cousin’s gonna be ‘round here today.”</p>
<p>Osamu clicks his tongue, turning his head to Atsumu who is still standing where he last left him. “Hold yer horses. Don’t this mean the man of the hour hafta tell our cap’n his cousin just got thwacked? Tsumu, ya prolly need to begin practicin’ what to tell Kita-san. <em> Now</em>.”</p>
<p>“Whaddya mean?!” Atsumu asks back, at this point genuinely confused.</p>
<p>“See, this is yer fault. His cousin just got socked in the gut ‘cause of you.”</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kita calls for a meeting the next day before practice. Their coach is nowhere to be seen yet, so they all know the agenda is about something personal. Everyone’s doing their half-assed warmup while waiting. </p>
<p>Aran is busy pacing around, being worried. </p>
<p>No one dares to acknowledge him, until Atsumu decides to open his mouth. “Why d’ya seem like a father waitin’ fer their child bein’ birthed?” </p>
<p>Everyone tries to peer at their conversation. Osamu goes next to them before shoving Atsumu lightly. </p>
<p>“He’s worried, dumbass,” Osamu answers for Aran.</p>
<p>“Of what? We don’t got no official game today.”</p>
<p>“Remember Hinata Shouyou?” Ginjima joins the conversation, holding Atsumu’s right shoulder to get his attention. “He got injured, got a brace on his arm.”</p>
<p>Atsumu’s eyes flash with surprise, hardening only a second later. “What? N-no! That boy’s lyin’, I tell ya! I didn’t hear no crack when he fell down.” His eyes then land on Osamu. “I know a fake injury when I see one.”</p>
<p>“What? Ya implyin’ something, armbreaker?” Osamu hisses.</p>
<p>“If anythin’, ya should be also blamed fer this.”</p>
<p>Osamu rolled his eyes, folding his arms over his chest. “I noticed and helped him unlike ya, idiot.”</p>
<p>“He can’t join volleyball club if he’s injured,” Oomimi joins and says whatever everyone is thinking. “Yesterday, that shorty thanked me and called me ‘scary lookin’ guy’ right to my face. He doesn’t <em> lie</em>."</p>
<p>"But if he’s lyin’ like yer sayin’, maybe he don’t wanna join. I’m bettin it’s ‘cause of you," Osamu comments on that.</p>
<p>Atsumu pauses a moment, then asks, “That shrimpy’s even thinkin’ of joining?” </p>
<p>“That’s all you got from what they said? Unbelievable,” Suna comments as a tight laugh leaves him.</p>
<p>“Just… Don’t know what to tell y’all, there’s somethin’ fishy ‘bout that boy,” Atsumu tells everyone like he doesn’t care about what’s happening at all. </p>
<p>With Atsumu’s back facing the door, he notices how everyone’s gaze is landing on something behind him. Osamu’s eyes fall to the entrance before snapping right back to Atsumu. </p>
<p>And just like that, Atsumu knows their captain is already there. Hearing everything. Great. What great timing.</p>
<p>“If yer gonna say the boy’s <em> fishy</em>, then I guess yer givin’ us proofs… And well…” Atsumu turns his head to see Kita who is holding his lower jaw as he stares off in the distance. “Based on the video, it’s clear you pushed him and even when he cried in pain, ya… what? Ya did nothin’, right? And me, I’m his cousin who had to explain how he ended up like that. On. His. First. Day.” </p>
<p>Kita’s eyes slowly move back to Atsumu. A heavy tension tugging at Atsumu’s muscles as he forces himself to stare at his unreadable, putting-the-fear-of-god eyes. “So… Care to tell me what ya think’s fishy then?”</p>
<p>Kita’s voice is the type to lull someone in a false sense of security. It’s one thing to hear him, but it’s another to see the face he has when speaking. A stony-faced, deadpan Kita. When he stops speaking, there is always a long, agonizing moment. No one has to look at Atsumu to witness such an array of emotions flashing his face. It happens all so quickly. Discomfort, regret, concern. The last one is fear mingling with fake confidence.</p>
<p>“Um!” Atsumu starts, trying to find the words. It takes effort but he forces oxygen into his lungs before asking cautiously,  “I-I don’t… uh, not yet… W-What d’ya want me to do?”</p>
<p>“Tryouts are till next next week. Refrain from makin’ everythin’ about you,” Kita states quietly in a way that sends chills up Atsumu’s spine, but everyone’s.</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Two days pass by before Atsumu learns Kita is not kidding at all. </p>
<p>On the third one, he watches as he doesn’t get any acknowledgement or anything from their captain. Sure, he gets to practice with the team. But there is something in the air that feels a lot like a wall separating everyone. It’s all a huge misunderstanding and Atsumu wants to retract his words, if it isn’t for the fact he believes Hinata Shouyou is lying. Truly. A hundred percent. </p>
<p>Still, he can’t help but be royally pissed about this situation. </p>
<p>“That’s guilt, or what do they call it nowadays? Having conscience,” Suna said flatly, sitting across him to eat in the cafeteria. “Don’t know what to feel with the revelation that you have one.”</p>
<p>Atsumu exhales, slightly shaking his head. He doesn’t even know why he gets Suna out of this whole deal. “Shoulda kept my mouth shut. Lemme eat in peace.”</p>
<p>Suna carries on, as usual, “It’s not bad to have a conscience. It’s actually natural, don’t worry.” </p>
<p>“If only you don’t record everythin’ that happens inside that gym,” Atsumu snaps, letting go of his spoon. “What’s even it for? You doin’ a film?”</p>
<p>“Whoa…” Suna tries his best to swallow his hysterical laughter. When he succeeds, he speaks, “Now, don’t lash out on me. I’m not the one who just stood after I pushed somebody on the floor.”</p>
<p>“Then why’re ya here? Wanna piss me off? Consider it done.”</p>
<p>“I believe you,” Suna grounds out, finally being serious. “See, you made it sound more odd than it actually does. But I think Hinata Shouyou has a secret, a strange one. If you want to learn about it, I’ll help you.”</p>
<p>Atsumu arches an eyebrow then a frown knit forms. “What’s in it fer you?”</p>
<p>“I just think you already covered your pathetic quota. And well, you can say I’m curious about Kita-san’s cousin too.” Placing a piece of folded paper on the table, Suna stands up. “Let me know if you do something about it.”</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Based on what Kita-san told us, Hinata Shouyou: </em>
</p><ul>
<li><em>lives in Miyagi Prefecture before moving here</em></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>kind of sensitive around the topic of siblings, so I guess he has them</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>his cousin (even though they look nothing alike)</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>plays volleyball too</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>gets agitated around fighting (maybe this is why he stopped you two)</li>
</ul>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Based on what is Hinata Shouyou now: </em>
</p><ul>
<li><em>currently a student librarian</em></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>still short</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>still a cousin of Kita-san (still don’t look alike)</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>not playing volleyball</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>kind of a campus crush (meaning you can’t talk to him anytime)</li>
</ul>
<p> </p>
<p>The last line of the not-in-the-least helpful list, with Suna’s passable handwriting, proves to be true when Atsumu goes to the library. The times he went inside that part of the school can be counted using the fingers of a hand. Meaning, not much. Barely. But it’s enough for Atsumu to know that there should never be a long, long line of boys and girls before the library counter. </p>
<p>Every student’s aim inside a library is its quiet ambience. Or the fact that the sunlight can't quite reach the room because of the blinds. Murmurs are floating; indistinct conversations, ignoring the 'keep quiet' sign above their heads. Maybe students come to read, sleep, or just enjoy the smell of books. </p>
<p>But this time, the second a student enters, an orange-haired boy with the arm brace, carefully leans on the desk. He pleasantly smiles as soon as he makes eye contact, but only speaks to the ones who borrow books. Atsumu stops and thinks,<em> Even his smile seems like a lie. </em></p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It feels particularly good when Atsumu is right. Growing up with a twin who always seems to say the opposite, it never is easy to not be wrong. That’s why Atsumu plants confidence in his head. Sometimes, it grows. Day by day, it helps him remember that not all the time he’s going to have support. </p>
<p>When Atsumu places ten books on the library counter, Hinata Shouyou’s fake smile fades. An arm with a black brace, fitting oddly with their black and white uniform. The shiny sparkling aura around vanishes.</p>
<p>Hinata’s large, brown eyes landed from him and to the books and then, back to Atsumu again. </p>
<p>Right now, Atsumu is wildly in his element. Not even an unruly, orange hair can put him off. “So, yer a librarian, huh? I was one too… Last year. Want me to show ya the ropes?”</p>
<p>With a disappointed sigh, Hinata points at the sign at the corner of the desk. Atsumu eyes it and finds the bold five words: <b>Borrow ONE book per day</b>.</p>
<p>Plastering a grin on his face, Atsumu takes the tabletop sign. It has a dirty white color and if Atsumu is being truthful, he wants to toss it away because of the cobwebs attached to it. But he utters, “Oh, this here? They didn’t have this rule last year.”</p>
<p>“Choose <em> one </em> book,” is all Hinata says.</p>
<p>There is some anger in Hinata’s voice, making Atsumu more annoyed. </p>
<p>But he chooses <em> one </em>book. For now.</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Three words is all Atsumu had gotten from Hinata. He realizes that strange fact as he stares at the random thick book on his desk at home. He has to bring it home after borrowing it; fully regretting that he thought twice when planning to leave it in his gym locker. </p>
<p>Osamu tosses him a crumpled paper, asking, “What’s the plan, Tsumu?”</p>
<p>“What plan?”</p>
<p>“Suna told me you’re gonna do somethin’ about Hinata-kun. Heard you can’t talk to the boy without steppin’ inside the library. How’s that goin’ fer ya?”</p>
<p>Atsumu is pretty convinced Suna lives to torment the people around him. At first, Atsumu isn't entirely sure if Suna listens to him when he's talking about his problems, but at least he can confirm that he actually is listening.</p>
<p>“Did ya know a student can just borrow one book per day?” Atsumu returns with another question.</p>
<p>“Yeah, they tell us that during orientations. Only if ya listened, eh?”</p>
<p>“That’s a stupid rule.”</p>
<p>“Okay, color me curious. Why?”</p>
<p>“What if I needed ten books and the deadline’s tomorrow? I needa bring them home, but I can’t… ‘cause of the rule. What if ev’ry subject gave homework? And why per day? And if I collect all books I borrowed per day, that means I get five at the end of the week.”</p>
<p>Osamu breathes out and turns away. “Knew it. Shoulda never asked.”</p>
<p>"Hey, Samu! Wait! Wanna help me out with the plan?" <em>which doesn't entirely exist yet.</em></p>
<p>"Nope!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Giving up never comes easy for the Miya twins. Especially Atsumu. Once he starts something, even if he doesn’t want to anymore, he accepts and waits for its conclusion. This has been a problem for a couple times. It’s come up in conversations too. Osamu calls it ‘hunger’ – that crimson rivers of hot liquid gold that slithers into Atsumu’s soul that talks nothing about quitting.</p>
<p>Maybe he’s right.</p>
<p>Atsumu places a book on the counter; Hinata types something on the computer, deliberately ignoring Atsumu. </p>
<p>“Ya a library book?” Atsumu asks Hinata conversationally.</p>
<p>Hinata turns his head up, raising an eyebrow.</p>
<p>And to Hinata’s astonishment, Atsumu doesn’t appear bothered when he doesn’t get an answer. He just nods and resumes, “‘cause I’m checkin’ ya out.”</p>
<p>Hinata examines Atsumu like he’s out of his goddamn mind – and, at that moment, Atsumu wholeheartedly agrees.</p>
<p>As Atsumu turns to find his way out, he sees some of the Inarizaki Volleyball members staring at him.</p>
<p>The first one who jabs at him is Suna, "You a library book?"</p>
<p>"Why?" Ginjima asks.</p>
<p>"Because you're so overdue, you got fine all over you."</p>
<p>"Wow, that's actually soundin' a lot better," Kosaku, another second year player, contributes to whatever's happening. That means they've heard him earlier or someone did and told everyone.</p>
<p>This almost feels like Atsumu has become a member of an Anti-Atsumu club, not a volleyball one.</p>
<p>"Why're y'all here?" Atsumu asks.</p>
<p>"Oh, we're just checkin' if yer really botherin' Hinata-kun. It's so unlike ya to not be on time for a practice," Kosaku is the one who explains. </p>
<p>Atsumu decides not to ponder on that. He just shakes his head. "Let's go."</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>That’s not even the worst part.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Tell him he’s like the Library of Alexandria. A monumental mystery,” Osamu advises Atsumu out of the blue. “That’ll get him to talk to ya.”</p>
<p>The next day, Atsumu does tell Hinata that. And some more.</p>
<p>All Atsumu gets as a reply is an exasperated sigh. “So you want me to burn down?”</p>
<p>
  <em> Burn down?  </em>
</p>
<p>“Whaddya mean? You’re a monumental mystery, that’s what I’m tellin’,” Atsumu clarifies, using Osamu’s words.</p>
<p>“You… You could read about it first,” Hinata advises before walking away.</p>
<p>That night, Atsumu reads everything he can read about that unknown library. Yes, he reads <em> everything</em>. Something Osamu sees Atsumu do in the middle of the night. Up to even a few mornings when they have free time; which seems strange as all Atsumu does if he has free time is practice and training. Sometimes, Osamu even has to blink twice, thrice, to confirm if what he’s seeing is real. </p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Atsumu knows when he’s not winning at all. Loss, for Atsumu, is akin to making excuses, to stringing into nothingness. Boundaries are only kept when someone longs for comfort. There are two choices: to be a divine prophecy or bad omen. When nothing’s going the way he wants, he redirects everything to triumph. Maybe even in the midst of his scheme.</p>
<p>He doesn’t have a fight or flight. When push comes to shove, Atsumu never gets frantic. No recalling, recollecting, or remembering anything. Through insanity or determination - he gets to be… <em>himself</em>. </p>
<p>“He’s not talkin’ to me, not even gettin’ what he’s thinkin’,” Atsumu complains to Suna as they walk towards the direction of the gym.</p>
<p>"Really? But he talks to other members, he's actually everyone's favorite even if he isn't part of the team," Suna comments.</p>
<p>"W-what?"</p>
<p>Suna stops walking for a while like he realizes something. Atsumu hears him whisper a swear word. </p>
<p>"Nothing, I said I talk to other members, I'm a favorite now," Suna tries, not really succeeding as Atsumu still knows every word Suna said earlier.</p>
<p>"He, uh, gets along with everyone?"</p>
<p>There's a pause, like Suna is debating on what to do. </p>
<p>"Yeah, even Oomimi, they talk a lot. He's also friends with Riseki, the other first year who can be a wing spiker. And with your twin, they have this bond over food. I kind of like him around, he's fun... Don't tell them that I told you that. Well, you can't do anything about it anyway. You only got… three to four days left to finish anything you're planning,” Suna shares almost everything.</p>
<p>If Hinata Shouyou is friends with Atsumu's team members, so that means Hinata's actively avoiding him? He <em>never</em> sees him around the team. </p>
<p>“He ain’t playin’ volleyball if he don’t wanna. I just don’t get what Kita-san wants me to do," Atsumu snaps.</p>
<p>Nodding slowly, Suna blurts out, “Sure. It’s not like a captain can remove a member, much more the team setter.”</p>
<p>“If I got removed, I’m draggin’ ya down and yer stupid phone.”</p>
<p>“My <em> stupid </em> phone got some information ‘bout Hinata Shouyou though. But sure,” Suna pulls out his phone from the bag’s front pocket, uncharacteristically distant. “Here. Toss it. Do that one step thing you do and toss my phone in the air.”</p>
<p>That gets Atsumu’s full attention, fully focused on one part. “Info ‘bout him?”</p>
<p>Suna, not handing his phone anymore, shares, “My sources say he talks to people who borrow his favorite book. Like go-to-your-table, come-up-to-meet-you kind of talk. And is close with other student librarians.”</p>
<p>“So? How’s that gonna work fer me? He's good with y'all now, right?”</p>
<p>Suna gives Atsumu an exasperated look. “I already got you the info, I won’t do the thinking for you too.”</p>
<p>“Who’re even yer sources?”</p>
<p>“You ask a lot of questions, Miya Atsumu.”</p>
<p>"That's what a person usually does when they need answers," Atsumu complains.</p>
<p>"What more if you already know 'bout..." Suna walks quickly and enters the gym before Atsumu gets the chance to ask again.</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p>There’s a full moon that night. Peaceful and whole. Nothing ever seems off or out of place. Yet as the moon looms over, even shadows become surrounded by light. </p>
<p>“Tsumu.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>The Miya twins are still up, playing the game they never seem to be done with. It’s fun, cool, and they seem to communicate even in silence.</p>
<p>Osamu, not so afraid of the dusk anymore, declares, “I’m… <em> done </em> with volleyball after high school.”</p>
<p>Atsumu’s gaze lands on Osamu for a second and back to the game. He thinks he may not have heard that right. “Huh? Ya tryin’ to put me off?”</p>
<p>“No, I’m tellin’ ya now. I won’t be playin’ volleyball anymore after high school. Think I’m gonna get a job dealin’ with food.”</p>
<p>Atsumu’s face drops in disappointment, hands almost dropping the controller. </p>
<p>He’s mad. Why? No one knows, not even Atsumu. He just doesn’t know how to take that in. How should he react? That’s something he never expects to hear that from his twin. </p>
<p>“...Why?”</p>
<p>“Remember when we’re nine, teacher askin’ us to write on the ambition blank?”</p>
<p>Atsumu nods. “And ya not writing anything on the blank? Yeah, I remember.”</p>
<p>“It’s finally filled up now.”</p>
<p>Atsumu stares off into the distance for a moment, resting his controller on the couch. He thinks of what to say. Like should he tell Osamu to think about it more? Sleep on it? Decide when the time comes? It’s too early for that, they’re having the best years of their lives. But… Does Osamu think that too? Is he having the best year of his life?</p>
<p>Osamu is his twin brother. Someone Atsumu thinks of him as his anchor. The one who keeps him steady when he gets too fired up. Osamu never fails to put him back to his place. He's there when everyone hated him; a part of him believes it felt easy to not care because he had Osamu. And… They haven’t separated even inside the womb. Ever since they step outside this world, they do nothing that’s too different. </p>
<p>“Ambition is fer the brave,” Atsumu whispers. He stands up first and as he walks away, he can’t help but add, “Don’t waste it on a compromised path.”</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Atsumu, once again inside the library, tries to ask Hinata a bunch of books by giving him a piece of paper with random words.</p>
<p>
  <strong> <em>Liar, Pants on fire, Secrets, Tell Me, Who Are You</em> </strong>
</p>
<p>"What are these... for?" Hinata asks incredelously.</p>
<p>“Badly need those books, Hinata-kun.”</p>
<p>Hinata’s expression turns cloudy, clearly saying Atsumu revolts him. </p>
<p>“There’s a computer right over there,” Hinata points to the right corner, “Everything’s on computer now. Even a library catalog, <em>you know that</em> since you’re a past librarian.”</p>
<p>Atsumu almost flinches but fights through it. He hasn't had his usual energy recently. So Atsumu just backs out easily and utters, “Oh, must’ve slipped my mind.”</p>
<p>
  <em><br/>
<br/>
</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That leaves Atsumu with his last and only choice. The plan he doesn’t want to even think about, but does. Even just to take his mind off things. Also, the glare of Kita, the very loud worry etched on Aran’s face, Osamu’s you-can-do-better-than-that look, and Hinata’s secret are stuck on his mind. He wants to finish this once and for all. If not, failure and freedom is what Atsumu’ll get. </p>
<p>There’s something irrational at the core of pure unwavering ambition. Atsumu becomes a living proof when he miserably volunteers to be a student librarian.</p>
<p>Announcement comes and introductions are made. Hinata, standing in the corner of a room, stares at Atsumu like he has grown a spare head and a pair of wings. </p>
<p>When they’re the only ones left in the room, Hinata asks, “You like books that much, Miya-san?”</p>
<p>There’s a beat of silence after that.</p>
<p>“That’s the first time ya spoke my name,” Atsumu observes.</p>
<p>“No. I think I already did a bunch of times.”</p>
<p>Atsumu’s playful grin widens. This one feels a little genuine. “Think I’ll remember if ya did, Hinata-kun.”</p>
<p>“Sure, Miya-san, just like how you remember the ancient library rule and the existing computerized library catalog.”</p>
<p>“It’s different when ya say my name,” Atsumu drawls.</p>
<p>Hinata’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean <em> different?</em>”</p>
<p>“I hate it.”</p>
<p>Awkward silence stretches among them. It’s like Atsumu is challenging Hinata to an unwanted war. But this time, Hinata isn’t going to avoid it anymore.</p>
<p>“Then I’ll never say it again.”</p>
<p>Atsumu blinks, hating the thought of that more. “No, no, say it if ya want.”</p>
<p>Hinata rests his free arm on the arm brace, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. He’s about to speak when there comes a knock on the door and a voice calling Atsumu. </p>
<p>“Someone’s calling you, Miya-san,” Hinata whispers when Atsumu seems hesitant to go. </p>
<p>And even in Atsumu’s haste to move, he catches the dubiousness on Hinata’s face. The one that Atsumu sees the first time he meets him at the gym. The one that holds an unrelieved lie wearily waiting for ache to be done.</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Still sixteen, Atsumu recalls the times he values stillness even when he despises being still. These are: one is when he climbs trees but never gains the courage to go down by himself; second is when he’s around old people; third is when he watches Hinata Shouyou, arm brace nowhere to be seen, practicing with the volleyball Atsumu left at the room behind the library.</p>
<p>Throwing his head back with a sigh, Atsumu closes his eyes for a second. </p>
<p>The sight of a liar, one’s faking injury should anger him. That boy is the reason his captain is giving him the cold shoulder. Everyone on the team’s blaming Atsumu. All for this? For a lie.</p>
<p>Atsumu can’t help but laugh quietly. He isn’t expecting this. He spends hours at night making scenarios in his head. Maybe Hinata Shouyou is a spy or a secret agent or a mole. Not this. Before him is just a boy focusing on a ball to never let it fall on the ground. Just a corner from the library, under the tree, he’s in his own little world.</p>
<p>When Hinata’s foot misses to catch the ball, it falls out of bounds to Atsumu’s direction. It’s his chance to confront him. </p>
<p>So he does it. A little overkill. “Ya almost destroyed my volleyball career,” Atsumu states in a none-too-gentle voice, closing the distance between them. </p>
<p>Shouyou’s eyes widen, but he still manages to take a calming breath. “W-What are you talking about?” </p>
<p>“Yer arm healed or are my eyes just deceivin’ me? The members seem to like ya. Yer also lyin' to them?"</p>
<p>Realizing there’s no space to take a step back to, Shouyou’s eyes roam around to see how he could escape this. His back hits a cemented wall. But he could run, he knows that. But when Atsumu gets in close, Hinata tips his head way back to look at him, undeterred and… determined. </p>
<p>“Miya-san–” </p>
<p>“What’re ya lyin' for?” </p>
<p>That question has depths that are so deep Atsumu has lost himself in it, not knowing what answer he needs to hear. Or even the answer he wanted. </p>
<p>“Please don’t tell Kita-san or anyone. For now,” Hinata pleads.</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>“No! Forget it, Miya-san. You don’t owe me any favors. I’ve been nothing but rude to you.”</p>
<p>“Is Kita-san really your cousin?” Atsumu finally asks.</p>
<p>The question challenges him, the answer supposedly voluntary. But it’ll be doubtful if Hinata is afraid enough to indulge his curiosity, whatever secret he’s keeping. Maybe it’s just he knows he suffered enough from not using a hand capable of moving. And the boy who gets mistakenly blamed for it deserves the truth.</p>
<p>Or he just wants someone to listen.</p>
<p>“You wanna know the truth?” Hinata asks, softly shoving Atsumu away from him.</p>
<p>Atsumu has to go home already, but he’s genuinely interested to hear this. “Yeah, hit me with it. Not like ya owe me this. But ya kinda do.”</p>
<p>“Okay, but can you please… not… stand this close?” Hinata requests.</p>
<p>The intensity of Atsumu’s glare slowly fades, finally being replaced by the bashful look when he realizes they’re too close to each other. </p>
<p>Atsumu takes five steps backward as Hinata slumps back on the wall. Steadying his voice, Hinata starts, “Kita-san isn’t my cousin, he’s just… His grandma and Kita-san’s are kind people.”</p>
<p>“They are.”</p>
<p>“But I can’t do it. I can’t pretend,” Hinata is quick to add.</p>
<p>“Pretend what?” Atsumu shoots, the urgency in his voice kind of surprising him. </p>
<p>It’s not about just the fake injury or even rush to go home, it’s just he wants to know. A lot of things, he realizes. Know what he has gone through. Know how he stumbles. Or just know what he hopes for and how his eyes look like dying in a dream but waking up alive. It’s unexplainable, it’s like those moments when you just want to pick up a flower for someone and never know why. </p>
<p>“I… I’m so down. <em>This, </em>everything here isn't what I dreamed of. Sounds silly, but I began playing volleyball 'cause of this one player back in my old home, playing for a school I’ve dreamt of entering. And well, you see, <em>that</em> went bad. Like poof! I’m here, living at a house that doesn’t feel like home. Now, I don’t even know what I’m doing. I don’t wanna waste away my dream in a place where I feel I can never grow stronger.”</p>
<p>“Fer real? Ain’t ya hearin’ about our team? We’re <em> strong</em>,” Atsumu asks as he picks up the ball from the ground. As he stands up, he sees Hinata open his palms all of a sudden. </p>
<p>“I did! I do! You always win. You're all awesome. I've watched some of your practice games! Greatest challengers, I've heard. You must’ve been really playing, a lot. But, no offense, I think I don’t fit in anyway,” Hinata replies from between the crack of his fingers, peering through them. “See? When I do this, you look like you’re in jail.”</p>
<p>Atsumu couldn’t help but chuckle. He also doubts Hinata wouldn't fit in here - or even anywhere he wants to go.</p>
<p>“Hey, ya know the Library of Alexandria?”</p>
<p>“That again?” Hinata runs to the other side, putting distance between them. Atsumu watches as Hinata lets out a boyish grin. “Miya-san, toss for me?”</p>
<p>What does the world expect Atsumu to do? To crumple and toss it to the boy who has an expectant gaze and eyes that are saying ‘you’ll-do-it’?</p>
<p>If yes, then sure. If not, too late.</p>
<p>Atsumu lightly tosses the ball to Hinata, holding his breath as Hinata, a triumphed smile on his face, gives his all to return it. He does and then asks, “You were saying…?” </p>
<p>Atsumu remembers how this smile differs from the one he saw back then. There isn’t anymore darkness hiding behind it, he seems certain. Free, rare, and patronizing to the point it seems like he’s been disarmed of his misery. </p>
<p>Not focusing on the ball, Atsumu watches it as it hits the ground. But he shares loud enough for Hinata to hear, “That library? Maybe a myth, maybe not. But even the idea of it, the concept, the whole thing crashed and burned. But ya know we’re still talkin’ bout it right now. Some people still call it magnificent. It’s a mystery - racking up people’s brains. It’s makin’ us ask whether it would’ve been divine or not. I dunno ‘bout dreams and bein’ strong, but the idea of trying? It’s there.” </p>
<p>“You’ve been reading a lot about it, huh?” </p>
<p>“It’s interestin’. Not the wars and the mistaken fire or arson or whatever that went down. Just the ambitious side of it, ‘cause I mean, I get it. And anyone could be the human version of it. Even you.”</p>
<p>Hinata strides a little bit closer, giving him a thrilled look. “What do you mean, Miya-san?”</p>
<p>“If you don’t take a risk, you’ll be just fadin’ away…” Atsumu trails off, finding the right words. “Not even makin’ names for yourself. Not even slightly enjoyin’ a dream of yours. Take a chance. And if you do, maybe you’ll burn out or if you’re lucky, just burn brighter.”</p>
<p>“You’re really playing fast and loose with the word ‘burn’.”</p>
<p>Atsumu laughs. “What should I say? Ya might erupt into light. Shine like a thousand stars, or even just beam like yer the biggest star. Kill the sunrise. Sure. Go question it. Everything. Ask yer self what-ifs and whatnots. Then also tell that it’ll never be a home if ya don’t even believe yer livin’ here in the first place.”</p>
<p>“Miya-san, has anyone told you that you speak way too much?” </p>
<p>“It’s come up.”</p>
<p>“Surprising.” Hinata smiles mockingly.</p>
<p>“I ramble ‘cause I’m bad at pursuin’ or convincin’ people. A lot tend to never believe in me. But my Ma once told me that everyone needs somethin’ to fight for, a beauty worth bein’ right or even wrong for.”</p>
<p>“Are you trying to pursue or convince me then?”</p>
<p>A pause. “I dunno. Maybe…”</p>
<p>“What-Why?”</p>
<p>“You know Samu, my twin, he… uh, I think he’s serious ‘bout quittin’ volleyball in the future. I kinda think I know now why he told me. He wants someone to listen. Or he’s waitin’ for me to be happy for him. Never gonna know,” Atsumu shrugs. “Just thought he’s always gonna win by my side, ya know.”</p>
<p>“...Don’t you think he still will? But in his own way. I don’t know him well. I've just seen and talk to him a couple of times when he’s sitting alone in the gym or somewhere. At first, I thought he’s you. But Osamu-san has this different look on his face… He doesn’t have that ‘sure-and-steady’ you got on you. I mean, maybe not yet.”</p>
<p>When Atsumu returns Hinata’s stare, he couldn’t help but wonder: <em> Why are your eyes mirroring mine so much? </em></p>
<p><em>...</em> <em>And why does he call Samu by his first name, but he doesn't do it with mine? Should I start talking about food? </em></p>
<p>
  <em>No, they got something more in common.</em>
</p>
<p>“Hey, Shouyou-kun. I got it.”</p>
<p>Hinata blinks and queries, “What? Got what?”</p>
<p>“If playin’ volleyball for ya can even be somethin’ remotely close to what ya consider a home, yer sure-and-steady, then we… Ya have to try, right?”</p>
<p>With a snicker, Hinata mutters comfortably, “Learning how to fly is trying, Miya-san. Believing that you can do it is another story. Spoiler alert: it’s just impossible.”</p>
<p>“Love to see you fail then just to watch how you try,” Atsumu interjects. “Maybe dreams do change. Sometimes ya win for yerself, but sometimes…”</p>
<p>“Sometimes what?”</p>
<p>Sometimes you lose the promise of the moon just to have a shot at the sun - the one in your eyes, heaving a sigh at the thought of trying.</p>
<p>“No, Shouyou-kun. I’ll tell ya only if ya show up to the tryouts.”</p>
<p>With a smile, Hinata raises his right hand towards Atsumu. “Sure, twist my arm.” </p>
<p>"I ain't doin' nothin’ with your arm anymore,” Atsumu protests. </p>
<p>Hinata grins at him but also has the decency to look embarrassed. “Oh, yep, that. Sorry, it’s the only way I could’ve escaped it - the whole volleyball thing. But that only got me more trapped when I let them blame you. I-It's just a pathetic attempt to escape this and everything. That's why I chose the library for a change of pace. No one blocks my path, no high walls, no squeaking noises, no team to support your plays... I understand if you won't accept it, but I’m really sorry.”</p>
<p>Hinata seems to be telling the truth this time. Like him, Atsumu feels what it's like to escape. He does that whenever he sees Osamu; not wanting to talk about what he said about quitting. He realizes maybe it's time to just talk it out, or even fight about it.</p>
<p>“I’ll let it slide, but ya have to-” <em>call me Atsumu-san. </em>Nope. What, no. Not yet. Not here. Not this way. “Ya go to tryouts, clear my name.” <em>which is, by the way, Atsumu. </em></p>
<p>“Too bad I’m going to be an ace, not a setter. Or else I'd be getting your spot as a regular,” Hinata says, subtly confirming he’ll be there.</p>
<p>Atsumu slowly lets out a victorious smile. "What would ya even do to steal my spot?"</p>
<p>"I may be small, but I can jump." Hinata then tops it off with a dramatic sigh.</p>
<p>Atsumu’s present-day ambition dwindles, his mind telling him that this is what he could be waiting for. But in the face of fear, or reveling in the unknown, Atsumu’s soul ultimately breathes a sigh of relief.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>